Another Milestone

02/10/2011

Houston, We have an anniversary date! I talked to her today and we decided that July 4, 2010 was when we both felt like we wanted to pursue a more substantial relationship, so that is our Anniversary...WooHoo! At least now I know when to send flowers, lol! All kidding aside, our conversation this morning does kind of solidify things a bit. No more wondering... what is this? Is it or isn't it? It's all new ground to me, I've never been this far before, but I like it! I'm fairly certain it's new to us both, although we have both been with other women before, I don't think either one of us has had this level of emotional investment in a same sex relationship before. So far it's kind of been like skating on a frozen pond, with each new step I've taken in our relationship, I've half expected the ice to crack beneath my feet and send me plunging into ice cold water. My uncertainty is as clear as a flashing neon sign that reads “Inexperienced Fumbler”, to me at least, if not to her. She seems to think I am confident and it's in my nature to make what she calls “moves” lol, if she only knew... Every time I do something I wonder, “Is this OK”? Or “Oh My Gosh, I wonder if she thinks it's too soon for this”, or my ever favorite “Wow, I'm such a dork”. But, it always comes down to the same thing for me, the same struggle, these should not be issues for me if I follow my heart. I have just recently started telling her that I love her, maybe it's too soon for her, but I am who I am, and I love when I love, and for me not to say it when I feel it or demonstrate it when I can seems more hurtful to me than the possible rejection. If I am rejected for going too fast or giving too much, then at least I will be rejected for who I am and not “loved” or “Liked” for who I am not. So for now I plunge forward. I can only be true to who I am, but her confidence in what she says she sees in me... the sureness, the light, the beauty, gives me the strength and the confidence to look for those things in myself and, after all, isn't that one of the many facets of what love does?